Are you ready for a mouthful of America? Give your Memorial Day barbecue a kick in the ass with this exclusive gift from your generous friends at That's Unfortunate. For a limited time, we're opening our archives to share with you, the mouth-breathing consumer, the recipe for our wildly successful America, The Fortune Cookie line, full of inspirational, patriotic wisdom guaranteed to make you leap to your feet and sing the Battle Hymn of the Goddamn Republic. Have a #blessed Memorial Day.
America, The Fortune Cookie
Serves: 300 million
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup granulated sugar
Salt to taste
Cinnamon to taste
2 tbsp. almond or vanilla extract
3 bald eagle egg yolks, beaten
4 purple mountains
1 cup majesty
2 lbs. ground beef, unsustainably farmed
8 cups liquid cheese-flavored substance
6 redneck lawn sports
1 monster truck rally
Economic inequality to taste
4 cups institutional racism
3 tbsp. exhausted imperial aspirations
1 lifetime of white guilt
1 canister tear gas
2/3 cup miscellaneous regret
2 anecdotes that you mistake for data when discussing politics
1/4 cup vague unease
1 batshit, completely needless national "conversation" about whether to further victimize a fragile minority that just wants to use a fucking bathroom
4 oz. crumbling infrastructure
73 superhero movies
1 immaculately manicured suburban lawn into whose upkeep you have redirected all of your waning ambitions
65 Facebook friends who still think Bernie's going to win
1 tsp. yes, I know, I like him too, and he's speaking the truth, and I'd vote for him in a heartbeat, but let's be realistic.
2 cups sure, while "Medicare for all" (for example) is an excellent idea, remember that Obama entered office with his party in control of both the Senate and the House, and the best he could achieve was baby-step healthcare reform that, while historically significant, did not even include a public option. How do you really think this will all play out?
4 tbsp. maybe Democratic Socialism works in Sweden, Denmark, etc. because they have small, relatively homogenous populations among whom it's probably less of a goddamn nightmare to build enough consensus for making even the tiniest incremental positive changes?
1 cup also, why do people keep convincing themselves that politics at the presidential level is a remotely effective conduit for idealism? Is that really your idea of how revolution works? When has being excited by a politician ever paid off? How long did it take Obama to disappoint you? How long will it take Bernie?
3 tsp. I voted for Ralph Nader in 2000, and said many stupid things in arguments, because I had been convinced there was no practical difference between George W. Bush and Al Gore, who both represented THE SYSTEM, MAN!!! How does that all look with the benefit of hindsight?
1 cup of I hope we can still be friends.
2 ounces but come on, don't fuck this up. As much as Hillary Clinton is ethically compromised, in bed with Wall Street, uninspiringly centrist, embodiment of corrupt establishment and so on, she and Donald Trump are not equivalently bad. Hillary: meh. Trump: probably this very minute consuming overcooked steak off the naked body of an underage Thai prostitute while arguing with a stuffed parrot about which cabinet position he should give to Mike Tyson.
1/3 cup of how about we keep Bernie's message in our hearts and continue to fight for his agenda on more feasible local and state levels, but maybe save the earth-scorching systemic upheaval for an election in which the possibility of a sexist, bigoted, authoritarian, dangerously unqualified orange shitbag becoming the most powerful person on Earth is not so terrifyingly real?
4 tbsp. if nothing else, think about the Supreme Court, which is empowered to better or worsen millions of lives in tangible and immediate ways -- and which has one current vacancy and perhaps two more within the next presidential term -- and the fact that Hillary is at the very least an ally on social issues. Twenty years from now, will you tell your gay relative whose marriage is no longer recognized, or a nonwhite friend who could have benefited from affirmative action, or women in your life who are unable to obtain safe abortions all thanks to a Trump Supreme Court that you sat out the 2016 election because Hillary wasn't an amazing candidate?
3 cups but we're still cool, right?
1 tbsp. *ducks to avoid projectile*
Bake at 400 degrees until cookies begin to brown at the edges. Insert fortunes, fold over the edge of a skillet, place inside a muffin tin to harden. Serve.