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The Unfortunate Man: A Fashion and Lifestyle Blog

How to Get a Rich Old Lady to Put You in Her Will

Chris Andrus

It is theoretically possible you are attracted to each others' personalities.

It is theoretically possible you are attracted to each others' personalities.

Hey fellas. We know what you're thinking: working suuuuucks. How many years have you spent getting up early every day, pounding your morning shower beer and putting on some stupid collared shirt just to waste your prime-of-life energy copying and pasting numbers into cells of a spreadsheet, watching your 401(k) balance inch upward in cruelly insufficient increments as you become a flaccid husk of the person you dreamed you'd be as a kid? Bummertown, population you!

Sure, there's security in going the square route, working hard and investing an appropriate percentage of your income in lottery tickets. But you know deep down what you should really be doing: boning some rich-ass widow and cashing in! Luckily, the our Men's Lifestyle Braintrust is here to get you into that lucrative pudding. Just follow these six steps in your ongoing journey toward becoming an Unfortunate Man:

1. Pick your location

The natural habitat of the well-greased cougar is the southern United States. Your Tucson McMansions. Your Palm Springs country clubs. Your Key West retirement communities. Demographic info is easy enough to find online: Get somewhere old, warm and rich, son!

2. Show yourself off

If you've been paying attention to our blog, you've already got the package -- an upper body carved from Michigan gypsum, presidential hair, three to five interesting tattoos -- but now you just need a way to sell it. The quickest way to nab the attention of the target demo, our research has determined, is to labor in a service capacity, shirtlessly if possible, at a business uniquely appealing to the wealthy and bereaved. Landscaping and pool maintenance are your best options, but also consider outdoor bartending, physical therapy and geriatric yoga instruction.

3. Reverse your game

Patience is key. Allow yourself to be pursued. Counterintuitive, right!? Once you become the target, be polite and receptive to her advances, but just coy enough to leave a little mystery, which will drive her into a batshit, checkbook-opening frenzy. Before long, you'll be mainlining dead-husband money!

 

She's been doing this since the Nixon administration.

She's been doing this since the Nixon administration.

4. Know your place; do the work

This is not a standard relationship with typical attached strings, such as shared life goals and emotional reciprocity. (Thank god!) Think of it as more of a boss-employee relationship in which she dictates the terms and controls the purse strings. Primarily, you'll need to make her feel young again. Undertake your sexual duties with gusto and verve, knowing there is a pot of gold -- figuratively, but only sort of -- at the end of this rainbow. Treat this like precisely what it is: your job.

5. Wait

Subtly undermine all of her loved ones so she gradually internalizes your hostility toward them and a mutual estrangement takes root. If you make a habit of this, by the time she begins her final decline into obsolescence, they will have gone years without speaking, and the impenetrable resentment will have simmered long enough to make a last-minute reconciliation improbable. Except: You've brought her happiness, and she clings to life with a tenacious vitality that you never factored into this plan. The months turn into years, the years into decades, and each morning you'll stare into the mirror, wondering what you've done, whether you actually have grown to love her, and how much of your real self still remains behind the increasingly hardened face you splash cold water onto. With any luck, you won't be any older than your early fifties by the time her bell tolls. And by then, she'll have bequeathed to you her assets and granted you power of attorney, so you'll be the one pulling the cord. Solid!

6. $$$$$$$$$

You did it, bro! Shots are on you tonight!