Greetings, fortunate consumers! You have already received years of life-affirming and nourishing service from That's Unfortunate, so you know we treat our customers with a tenderness they have not necessarily earned. As a further act of benevolence, we are granting you, the unwashed public, an unprecedented opportunity: You get to pick our next cookie. We'll pause for a moment so you can let that sink in.
Below is a list of recipes developed by our team of flavor disruptors. You'll notice each has a locally relevant name, which proves we care about our community. Enjoy this rare look behind the curtain, choose which cookie you'd most like to see added to our Spring Collection, and prepare to marinate your soul in the bounty of our generosity.
Gently pasteurized sheep’s milk. Effervescent crystallized ginger root. Naan yeast culture. Vigorously whipped cage-free egg whites. Upper Peninsula rain water. St. John's Wort. Amazon basin timber bark.
Non-homogenized cream-top dairy extract. Decadent butter flakes. Genesee saffron threads. Lavender-vanilla cane sugar. Thai fish sauce. Your childhood dreams realized.
European vat-cultured organic yogurt. Reinforced Neapolitan hearth-fired bread flour. Cinnamon buttercream. Hand-crushed Juniper berries. Amaretto-infused artisan sweetener. The inescapable feeling that it's too late to change.
Vine-harvested grape drizzle. Colonial-style whole wheat flour. Dried Yucatan avocado leaves. Solar-nurtured fennel pollen. Nomadic wisdom. Lemon-sprayed shredded coconut husk fiber. Financial freedom.
Yeasted bread-crumb patina. Pomegranate seed. Lake Ontario beach sand. Internet content. Hazelnut-almond confectionery. Steel-cut Aztec oatmeal grains. Drake lyrics. The inevitable decline into obsolescence.
Cornish game hen egg yolks. Roasted coriander stems. Sun-kissed apple mulch. Foraged honey. Grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese. Natural horse flavorings. Cultural appropriation. Going back in time and fixing everything.
Spat-up Narragansett Merlot. Hand-fluffed organic dingleberry seeds. Sioux Indian tear-washed Great Plains maize. Subsidized bacon grease. The emails about Flint's water supply you probably should have read. The churning void. The courage to be an attentive father.
Decorative ham shavings. Seasonal preservatives. Pickle-brined fruit jam. Enthusiastic climate change denial. Rye-floured flaxseed bread. Confusing sex dreams. Dried goat. Appalachian bathtub gin. Random nitrates. White privilege.
Potato-leek risotto. Smoked paprika. Absolution. Brunch, which apparently stops happening in your thirties. Capers. Unspecified glaze. Boundless confidence you come to realize is the manic end of an undiagnosed mood disorder. Scorched polenta aioli. Cable news.
Assorted loaf. Hog effluvium. Concentrated psilocybin. Sriracha-sage kimchi. Disruptive mobile applications. Nantucket bourbon ganache. Brand engagement. Room-temperature octopus. Extemporaneous office banter. The first two months of a long-distance relationship.
Cookie dough squeezed directly into your mouth. Letting a juicy fart go in the gym when you think you're alone only to find out otherwise. Braised quinoa falafel. A promising OK Cupid connection that somehow doesn't pan out. Beet juice. Getting what you've always wanted but still hating yourself.
Heirloom beef tartare. House-made asiago shallot spread. Soy-mushroom broth. Unrequited love. A Groupon massage. Kumquat chutney. Creationism. Rosemary foie gras confit. The eventual entropic heat death of our universe.
Same shit as before, new name.