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Grand Rapids, MI

The Patriot Collection


Hello, fortunate consumers!

Thank you for engaging with our product. You have now reached the purchasing stage. Don't fuck this up. Put in your credit card information. Join the revolution. Save the planet. Replenish the oceans. Save your marriage. Undo the past. Relive your best moments. Take the opportunities you missed. Write that novel. Travel the world. Kiss her when you had the chance. Work hard. Nurture your talents. Be there for your kids. The world is counting on you. A better life is just a cookie away. Buy buy buy BUY!! #blessed

The Patriot Collection

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The Patriot Collection


Hey America, are you ready for some goddamn America? Celebrate Memorial Day and Independence Day by 1) halfheartedly acknowledging the troops, 2) participating in redneck yard games and 3) proving you don't hate your country through the purchase of our product! Each handmade cookie contains an inspiring, patriotic fortune guaranteed to make you leap to your feet and sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

Sampled wisdom:

  • "The recent Confederate flag backlash will leave you with nothing decent to wear to your daughter's wedding.
  • "Your new selfie stick will provide a clearer, more majestic picture of you falling backwards into the Grand Canyon."
  • "Your Fourth of July fireworks display will create lasting memories for your family, your neighbors and the doctors attempting to reattach your hand."
  • "Your float’s appearance in the Independence Day parade will be notable for the extraordinary number of civilian casualties."


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