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Grand Rapids, MI


Hello, fortunate consumers!

Thank you for engaging with our product. You have now reached the purchasing stage. Don't fuck this up. Put in your credit card information. Join the revolution. Save the planet. Replenish the oceans. Save your marriage. Undo the past. Relive your best moments. Take the opportunities you missed. Write that novel. Travel the world. Kiss her when you had the chance. Work hard. Nurture your talents. Be there for your kids. The world is counting on you. A better life is just a cookie away. Buy buy buy BUY!! #blessed

The Valentine's Day Collection

Unfortunate V-Day1.jpg
Unfortunate V-Day1.jpg
sold out

The Valentine's Day Collection



Let's get those juices flowing.

It's that time again. You need to reset the clock on yet another year of neglect, emotional distance, self-absorption, infidelity, sexual malfunction or some noxious cocktail thereof. Fortunately, Valentine's Day offers a pink parachute, an opportunity to compensate for your romantic shortcomings with the feeble, afterthought purchase of love-themed paper and candy products.

That's why we're here. Buy yourself a little more time before the inevitable, long-overdue breakup with the gift of sweetness and wisdom from your platonic friends at That's Unfortunate, offering our brand-new set of hand-crafted, love-themed fortune cookies. Whether you're looking to stoke the long-extinguished flames of affection, or to seduce a more attractive new partner, our Valentine's Dozen is guaranteed to turn your lover's faucet on full blast. Don't just die alone. Die alone together! Have an Unfortunate Valentine's Day.

Selected wisdom:

  • "This Valentine’s Day, Cupid’s famous arrow will pierce you through the heart, causing you to die painfully of hydrostatic shock and cardiac perfusion."
  • "Delaying your breakup until after Valentine’s Day won’t make it easier, but at least you’ll get one last romantic dinner at Long John Silver’s."
  • "Your romantic saga will end happily for everyone involved when the chemical castration drugs take effect."
  • "Your sexual experiences, ranked: [DATA UNAVAILABLE]"


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