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Grand Rapids, MI
USA

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The Valentine's Day Collection

Unfortunate V-Day1.jpg
Unfortunate V-Day1.jpg

The Valentine's Day Collection

9.99

 

Let's get those juices flowing.

It's that time again. You need to reset the clock on yet another year of neglect, emotional distance, self-absorption, infidelity, sexual malfunction or some noxious cocktail thereof. Fortunately, Valentine's Day offers a pink parachute, an opportunity to compensate for your romantic shortcomings with the feeble, afterthought purchase of love-themed paper and candy products.

That's why we're here. Buy yourself a little more time before the inevitable, long-overdue breakup with the gift of sweetness and wisdom from your platonic friends at That's Unfortunate, offering our brand-new set of hand-crafted, love-themed fortune cookies. Whether you're looking to stoke the long-extinguished flames of affection, or to seduce a more attractive new partner, our Valentine's Dozen is guaranteed to turn your lover's faucet on full blast. Don't just die alone. Die alone together! Have an Unfortunate Valentine's Day.
 

Selected wisdom:

  • "This Valentine’s Day, Cupid’s famous arrow will pierce you through the heart, causing you to die painfully of hydrostatic shock and cardiac perfusion."
     
  • "Delaying your breakup until after Valentine’s Day won’t make it easier, but at least you’ll get one last romantic dinner at Long John Silver’s."
     
  • "Your romantic saga will end happily for everyone involved when the chemical castration drugs take effect."
     
  • "Your sexual experiences, ranked: [DATA UNAVAILABLE]"

     

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