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Grand Rapids, MI

The Back to School Collection


Hello, fortunate consumers!

Thank you for engaging with our product. You have now reached the purchasing stage. Don't fuck this up. Put in your credit card information. Join the revolution. Save the planet. Replenish the oceans. Save your marriage. Undo the past. Relive your best moments. Take the opportunities you missed. Write that novel. Travel the world. Kiss her when you had the chance. Work hard. Nurture your talents. Be there for your kids. The world is counting on you. A better life is just a cookie away. Buy buy buy BUY!! #blessed

The Back to School Collection

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The Back to School Collection


It’s that time of year again — all the boundless promise and possibility of summer has evaporated, and, ready or not, another school year has begun. You're probably confused and full of questions about the future. 

For example: Will your summer fling withstand the months of distant, hopeful contact, or will she stop texting after two weeks? Will your new fall wardrobe turn heads and earn you that coveted spot at the cool kids’ cafeteria table? Will your inner-city debate team score an improbable and inspiring victory against the private school from the suburbs? Will your fraternity’s insubordinate shenanigans rankle the meddlesome dean? Will all your triggers receive proper advance warning?

You could go talk to your school's guidance counselor, but for decades, the smartest and most successful students have turned to That's Unfortunate. Within our Back To School Collection, you'll find all the answers you need to navigate this exciting chapter in your life. Academic achievement is just a fortune cookie purchase away.

Sampled wisdom:

  • “Persistence will pay off when the head cheerleader finally agrees to be your prom date, which was a weird goal for a man in his thirties.”
  • “High school social barriers will dissolve when a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal join forces to bully you.”
  • “You will learn to more carefully research your school’s fraternity options after being welcomed into something called the ‘Aryan Brotherhood.’"
  • "Give up on your dreams! [This sponsored fortune is presented by the University of Phoenix.]"


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