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Grand Rapids, MI

The Graduation Collection


Hello, fortunate consumers!

Thank you for engaging with our product. You have now reached the purchasing stage. Don't fuck this up. Put in your credit card information. Join the revolution. Save the planet. Replenish the oceans. Save your marriage. Undo the past. Relive your best moments. Take the opportunities you missed. Write that novel. Travel the world. Kiss her when you had the chance. Work hard. Nurture your talents. Be there for your kids. The world is counting on you. A better life is just a cookie away. Buy buy buy BUY!! #blessed

The Graduation Collection

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The Graduation Collection


Greetings, millennial! Look at you - on the cusp of graduation! This is an exciting moment in your life. Maybe you've just heard a stirring speech from a distinguished alumnus. Maybe you exchanged melancholy farewells with favorite teachers or professors, or made empty promises to stay in touch with friends. Maybe you're still sweating feverishly and grinding your teeth from last night's molly experience. In any case, the cannon of our education system has fired you into the sky of life, where your entire future is waiting. We kind of hate you.

You will always remember this day -- either as the springboard into professional success and a fulfilling domestic life, the beginning of a long spiral into alcoholic ruin, or something in between. We were once in your shoes, you see, and with the benefit of hindsight and life experience, we feel qualified to offer advice on the major looming decisions regarding finances, relationships, post-grad studies and careers. So while our cookies nourish your body, let our fortunes nourish your soul as you are ushered from the glory days of youth into the existential swamp of adulthood, where a ravaged economy, accumulating student loan interest, and your old bedroom in your parents' house await.

Sampled wisdom:

  • "Decades from now, you will complete a lifetime of diligent work by sobbing quietly onto a piece of retirement cake as your colleagues return to their desks."
  • "Just when it seems the whole world is setting you up to fail, you will fail as expected."

  • "Make a lasting impression with your handshake by not washing up after you finish masturbating."

  • "No matter how successful you become in your chosen field, you will continue to think of the little people, because of your dwarf fetish."

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