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Grand Rapids, MI

The Unfortunate Holiday Collection


Hello, fortunate consumers!

Thank you for engaging with our product. You have now reached the purchasing stage. Don't fuck this up. Put in your credit card information. Join the revolution. Save the planet. Replenish the oceans. Save your marriage. Undo the past. Relive your best moments. Take the opportunities you missed. Write that novel. Travel the world. Kiss her when you had the chance. Work hard. Nurture your talents. Be there for your kids. The world is counting on you. A better life is just a cookie away. Buy buy buy BUY!! #blessed

The Unfortunate Holiday Collection

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The Unfortunate Holiday Collection


Glad tidings and religiously ambiguous seasonal greetings, consumers! We hope the impending holidays find you serene and well-medicated. Congratulations for clicking on our most popular set - a dozen fortune cookies with messages guaranteed to stir dormant memories of Christmases, Hanukkahs, Kwanzaas and pagan solstices long past. (Really just Christmas though.) Whether you're looking for a communal treat to break the tension of an interminable family gathering or a plate of cookies to anticipate the drunken arrival of Unfortunate Claus (pictured), we have you covered. Thank you for your patronage, and may all your Christmases be unfortunate!

Sampled wisdom:

  • "Within a few days, your kids will lose interest in the presents you acquired by trampling three people to death at Walmart."
  • "You are dreaming of a white Christmas because you have some very troubling views about race."
  • "Your performance in the Christmas pageant will be talked about for years to come, mainly in court cases involving bestiality."

  • "After the angel shows you the difference you've made in everyone's lives, you will jump off the bridge as originally planned."

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