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Grand Rapids, MI

The Unfortunate Autumn Collection


Hello, fortunate consumers!

Thank you for engaging with our product. You have now reached the purchasing stage. Don't fuck this up. Put in your credit card information. Join the revolution. Save the planet. Replenish the oceans. Save your marriage. Undo the past. Relive your best moments. Take the opportunities you missed. Write that novel. Travel the world. Kiss her when you had the chance. Work hard. Nurture your talents. Be there for your kids. The world is counting on you. A better life is just a cookie away. Buy buy buy BUY!! #blessed

The Unfortunate Autumn Collection

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The Unfortunate Autumn Collection


Handcrafted. Artisanal. Local. Farm-to-stomach. Flavorful. Lively. Evocative. Authentic. Lush. Toothsome. Nourishing. Rustic. Deconstructed. Repurposed. Wood-fired. Infused. Culturally appropriated.

Our signature fortune cookie collection transcends adjectives. Not only are they delicious and vitamin-fortified, but the messages carefully selected from our library of wisdom are guaranteed to help you become the best possible version of yourself - which may still suck, but hey, look at what we're working with. Treat yourself to the love you were denied as a child, and undo the past in the only way possible: through the purchase of our product!

Sampled wisdom:

  • "A man with a cricket bat has been making inquiries as to your whereabouts."
  • "Your kids are old enough to learn about mortality. Let them help you strangle the drifter."
  • "Your whole life, you have accurately been judged by the content of your character, which is too bad."


    "We would urge you live the rest of your life to its fullest, but there’s only so much you can accomplish in three hours."


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